How do you give your teenager space…
while staying connected to them.
How Do You Give Your Teenager Space But Stay Connected?
It all comes down to a few little secrets when it comes to communication. Communicating with teenagers is SO different from communicating with adults – and can often be so exhausting. The problem is, so many of us either try to communicate like we did when they were young children (never works) or we talk to them like they are adults and their brains are fully developed. Surely they should understand!!!!!
Unfortunately, research has shown that this is simply not the case. The adolescent brain doesn’t fully develop until early to mid (even late) 20’s so trying to communicate to teens like they are adults will ultimately end in failure.
Here are 3 quick tips on how to give your teen space while staying connected:
1. Begin each conversation by trying to understand – even if you are struggling too. When parents can start by understanding – that is losing the judgment that they are wrong or don’t understand life and US – as parents know best, communication stays open.
EG: You think they should be showing a commitment to homework & their future, they just need to make sure their friend is OK after the dramas of the day.
2. Your teenager’s behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting, so don’t take it that way. Teenagers are merging into adulthood and experimenting with what makes them feel good and how they perceive themselves in the world. All of this growing often exacerbates the emotions and when emotions are ruling the brain – especially the teenage brain, sometimes poor choices are made. But it is their choice and they will learn through choice comes consequences.
EG: Your child used to have beautiful manners, talk in the mornings and kiss you goodbye every day. Now your teen starts every day with a coffee, NO smile, NO conversation and NO enthusiasm for anything (except maybe their phone). Don’t take it personally – it’s just parenting.
3. It’s better to say nothing
EG: Your teen is getting angry with you because apparently every other teenager is allowed to stay out later than they are and it’s just embarrassing. Screaming back things like, “Well it’s my house my rules” or “What an absolute lie!!” will not help defuse the situation, only add fuel to the emotional fire.
Oh Natalie, so good to read but remembering in the ‘heat of teen battles’ can be hard. Your words help many I am sure thanks to your workshops and that can only be a great thing!
Thank you for linking up for Life This Week. Next week’s optional prompt is 12/51 Memories I’d Like To Re-Capture. Denyse
I love your comment. So good to read, so hard to do! Ha! I second that. (Good post tho)
Yep for all 4 of my teens.
The heat of the moment is where all the ‘real’ parenting comes in – and no one ever said it was easy. I have lost it many times and will go again I’m sure. It’s such a learning process.
Some good points. I remember when mine was a teen and spoiling for a fight, I had to remind myself not to give her one. I especially like your point about how the behaviour in the heat of the moment is not a reflection of you. It’s so hard to remember that it’s not all about you. Thanks for linking up. #teamlovinlife
It’s easier said than done often when dealing with teens but with practice, a lot of practice, it gets easier to do.
Some great tips there Natalie. I especially nodded along to the not entering into a debate with your teenager when you’re fired up. Best to walk away and discuss later when both of you are feeling more calm. That’s one I learnt along the way, hard as it is sometimes! #TeamLovinLife
Calmness is the key but that is true in all situations. When our emotions take over, the logical part of the brain checks out and tells us it will be back when everything has calmed down.
Such great advice. I don’t have kids but I tend to be blunt so I like to think I’d be honest and tell my kids I don’t have all of the answers, that I will get angry sometimes, that I might not always behave rationally, but I love them and want them to feel they can talk to me about anything… and I’ll try not to hover if I know they know I’m there for them.
I love that Deb, that we are honest and say, “I might not always be rational, but I love you” – honest and empathetic and loving all wrapped into one.